At A Stand Still

Okay....Feeling a bit frustrated. I am lacking inspiration to do much of anything at the moment. I really want to draw and write more poetry, but the pictures and words just aren't there. I need something. I just don't know what it is that I am lacking. I actually woke up really happy this morning, despite my feeling really tired. You would think that mood would bring forth something, but it didn't.

I've been back and forth through several different emotions over the past few weeks and ready for it to be over. I don't know what it is that is bothering me exactly.

I will be getting away for a few days next week and I am hoping that I will come back refreshed and renewed and have the drive to produce something. You would think that just being completely in-love with the sweetest, most caring man that makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world would somehow give me inspiration, but it hasn't.

I just feel like I am at a stand still in everything and waiting for someone else to make the next move. But I know it's not that easy. I have to do some things for myself.

Annoyed and Frustrated

I'm having a really bad day. I wish I could go back to how I felt yesterday. Yeah, it's hard for anyone to be continually happy all the time, but feeling the way I do now is not something everyone feels quite as constantly as I do.

I'm tired of feeling let down. Someone says they will be somewhere or do something and they rarely follow through. Yes, I can understand that distance is an issue, so you can't be right here with me and yes, I know things come up. But seriously....All the time.

And you say you aren't involved at a certain place anymore....Yet I still see you doing things there. What would be the big deal if you had me there too? I feel like you are hiding something from me. Or maybe it's that you are hiding me from someone else. I could be wrong, but that's just the way it seems. I hope it's nothing. Hope I am just being stupid and worried like I usually am.

I have a horrible time trusting people and I've put my trust in you, but lately things don't seem right. I don't know what to think or feel anymore. Here I am ready to break free and you aren't there to catch me it seems. I can't trust someone who may not be there to catch me when I fall.

Please reassure me.....

Down Days

I hate having days when I am feeling really down. I seem to have quite a few of them lately. Usually something triggers it. Whether it's something someone says or does....Or even something I say or do, I just can't seem to pull myself out of it, even if I recognize the trigger and realize how completely stupid I am for letting this bother me. Most likely this is due to my bipolar. I have been struggling with this also for a couple years now. I really should go see a doctor, but I realized that most likely they will want to put me on pills and I don't want that. I have heard some really bad things about the pills they can give people with bipolar and it's not for me.

Today was a bit rough. It was the smallest thing that a dear person to me said and I couldn't seem to brush it off. In that moment I thought, "What am I doing to him? He doesn't deserve this." But he is the one of the most awesome people I have ever met. Never met anyone like him before in my life. I had a thought this morning about him and just said aloud to myself, "He is beautiful." Obviously not meaning this in the physical sense, but his soul is truly beautiful. He has a wonderful and loving heart and I am a better person for having been able to meet him and spend time with him.

I need to remember that I have support around me when I am having a down day. Not everyone is that understanding, because they haven't been there and they know nothing of what it is I am going through. But just having one person is enough. I also need to remember that I can't expect others to understand and I should try to educate them in what it is I am dealing with every day. It's like that saying, "When you assume you are making an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'". I assume people will automatically understand and later they feel bad because they didn't know and I feel bad for not making them aware.So that being said I am going to try to start talking and being more open about the things I am dealing with in my mind.

My Quest

I've missed being able to express myself and have found some outlets as of late and have realized I am a much different person on the inside than what I have portrayed over the past 27 years of my life. I have found there are quite a lot of things that I like that I never thought I liked before because of how I was raised and the conditioning of that has made me into the person I thought I was this whole time. So, I have made it my quest to discover myself all over again. I'm tired of hiding too. I am always hiding this fact of who I really am from the people around me every day. It's very uncomfortable living like someone you're not all the time. Now not everything I share about myself has been a lie. I do love music, art, nature, etc. All these things are a part of me, but as far as what type of music, art, clothes.....I am actually a very eclectic person as it turns out and I love it. I would love to be able to change my style every day... Well, that might be pushing it, but every week even. It's fun and I love it. I would love to be a designer, photographer, biologist(which is my original chosen profession), teacher, poet, writer,... There are so many things I would love to do, but I can't possibly do them all, and it is getting late in life to be heading off to school with a backpack and a lunch box and worrying about the other kids and fitting in. Honestly, I don't care if I fit in.... I just want to be me for once and show people who I really am.