Thursday, April 29, 2010

Down Days

I hate having days when I am feeling really down. I seem to have quite a few of them lately. Usually something triggers it. Whether it's something someone says or does....Or even something I say or do, I just can't seem to pull myself out of it, even if I recognize the trigger and realize how completely stupid I am for letting this bother me. Most likely this is due to my bipolar. I have been struggling with this also for a couple years now. I really should go see a doctor, but I realized that most likely they will want to put me on pills and I don't want that. I have heard some really bad things about the pills they can give people with bipolar and it's not for me.

Today was a bit rough. It was the smallest thing that a dear person to me said and I couldn't seem to brush it off. In that moment I thought, "What am I doing to him? He doesn't deserve this." But he is the one of the most awesome people I have ever met. Never met anyone like him before in my life. I had a thought this morning about him and just said aloud to myself, "He is beautiful." Obviously not meaning this in the physical sense, but his soul is truly beautiful. He has a wonderful and loving heart and I am a better person for having been able to meet him and spend time with him.

I need to remember that I have support around me when I am having a down day. Not everyone is that understanding, because they haven't been there and they know nothing of what it is I am going through. But just having one person is enough. I also need to remember that I can't expect others to understand and I should try to educate them in what it is I am dealing with every day. It's like that saying, "When you assume you are making an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'". I assume people will automatically understand and later they feel bad because they didn't know and I feel bad for not making them aware.So that being said I am going to try to start talking and being more open about the things I am dealing with in my mind.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

My Quest

I've missed being able to express myself and have found some outlets as of late and have realized I am a much different person on the inside than what I have portrayed over the past 27 years of my life. I have found there are quite a lot of things that I like that I never thought I liked before because of how I was raised and the conditioning of that has made me into the person I thought I was this whole time. So, I have made it my quest to discover myself all over again. I'm tired of hiding too. I am always hiding this fact of who I really am from the people around me every day. It's very uncomfortable living like someone you're not all the time. Now not everything I share about myself has been a lie. I do love music, art, nature, etc. All these things are a part of me, but as far as what type of music, art, clothes.....I am actually a very eclectic person as it turns out and I love it. I would love to be able to change my style every day... Well, that might be pushing it, but every week even. It's fun and I love it. I would love to be a designer, photographer, biologist(which is my original chosen profession), teacher, poet, writer,... There are so many things I would love to do, but I can't possibly do them all, and it is getting late in life to be heading off to school with a backpack and a lunch box and worrying about the other kids and fitting in. Honestly, I don't care if I fit in.... I just want to be me for once and show people who I really am.