I hate having days when I am feeling really down. I seem to have quite a few of them lately. Usually something triggers it. Whether it's something someone says or does....Or even something I say or do, I just can't seem to pull myself out of it, even if I recognize the trigger and realize how completely stupid I am for letting this bother me. Most likely this is due to my bipolar. I have been struggling with this also for a couple years now. I really should go see a doctor, but I realized that most likely they will want to put me on pills and I don't want that. I have heard some really bad things about the pills they can give people with bipolar and it's not for me.
Today was a bit rough. It was the smallest thing that a dear person to me said and I couldn't seem to brush it off. In that moment I thought, "What am I doing to him? He doesn't deserve this." But he is the one of the most awesome people I have ever met. Never met anyone like him before in my life. I had a thought this morning about him and just said aloud to myself, "He is beautiful." Obviously not meaning this in the physical sense, but his soul is truly beautiful. He has a wonderful and loving heart and I am a better person for having been able to meet him and spend time with him.
I need to remember that I have support around me when I am having a down day. Not everyone is that understanding, because they haven't been there and they know nothing of what it is I am going through. But just having one person is enough. I also need to remember that I can't expect others to understand and I should try to educate them in what it is I am dealing with every day. It's like that saying, "When you assume you are making an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'". I assume people will automatically understand and later they feel bad because they didn't know and I feel bad for not making them aware.So that being said I am going to try to start talking and being more open about the things I am dealing with in my mind.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I've missed being able to express myself and have found some outlets as of late and have realized I am a much different person on the inside than what I have portrayed over the past 27 years of my life. I have found there are quite a lot of things that I like that I never thought I liked before because of how I was raised and the conditioning of that has made me into the person I thought I was this whole time. So, I have made it my quest to discover myself all over again. I'm tired of hiding too. I am always hiding this fact of who I really am from the people around me every day. It's very uncomfortable living like someone you're not all the time. Now not everything I share about myself has been a lie. I do love music, art, nature, etc. All these things are a part of me, but as far as what type of music, art, clothes.....I am actually a very eclectic person as it turns out and I love it. I would love to be able to change my style every day... Well, that might be pushing it, but every week even. It's fun and I love it. I would love to be a designer, photographer, biologist(which is my original chosen profession), teacher, poet, writer,... There are so many things I would love to do, but I can't possibly do them all, and it is getting late in life to be heading off to school with a backpack and a lunch box and worrying about the other kids and fitting in. Honestly, I don't care if I fit in.... I just want to be me for once and show people who I really am.