Worried

I've been putting off a lot of health concerns for a while now. Partly because I don't want to know and I'm scared how bad it might actually be, but mostly due to financial strains and I'd rather make sure my kids are taken care of first.

I went to the doctor for the first time in years only just a week ago and I already have an appointment with a cardiologist to check my heart. I've been having tightness in my chest and trouble breathing. The doctor said it's probably just anxiety, but he wants to have my heart checked just in case. I love how quick these doctors have been. If I had to wait much longer, I'd probably skip the appointment. >.<

I know that sounds horrible. Especially when it could be something serious. But hopefully it's just anxiety that's causing the tightness in my chest. I have a pile of other things that I need to have checked....Iron, blood sugar, my nerves and joints,....The list has been building over the years and I realize now it's best to have things checked right away. Putting it off doesn't make it go away.

So please pray for me tomorrow as I am at the doctor having my heart checked. Thank you.

Where's the Excitement?

It's been a while. I've been busy, in a sense. Just trying to do more things to keep my mind busy. Been reading more and I've drawn a couple more pictures. Also got me a bag to hold my sketch book, pencils, and my poem book. I wanted to make this bag my own and add my personality to it. Adding pins, buttons, and stones to start. Having trouble thinking of what else I can do to it, but I'm sure it will come to me.

Been trying to spend more time with Tanner. We hadn't been as close as we used to be. Think we just got too busy with everything else. Work, church, kids....etc. I know we shouldn't neglect those things.

I just don't find myself as excited about church as I used to be. I want to "want" to be there. I don't want it to feel like an obligation and that's exactly what it was starting to feel like. I wasn't in a very spiritual place and I wasn't enjoying it. I don't believe worshiping God should feel like a chore. We should relish in giving glory to God. We should smile and be happy. I felt more like a droid, on autopilot. Walk in, sit, stand, sing, pray, sit, walk to Sunday school, sit, walk back out, sit, stand, sing, pray, sit, stand, sing, pray, sit, stand, read, sit, stand, sing, pray, walk out. See....I can remember the exact order of things.... That's truly sad. >.<

I don't want to say that it's boring, because that's not even the issue. I just think it's me personally that's the issue. Because none of that routine I just mentioned has really ever changed. It's me that's changed. I just need to figure out how to fit my changing self into the equation and I'm not seeing it yet. I so want to be excited about going to Ladies' Prayer Group meetings, watching babies in Sunday school, singing, reading His word, praising Him, etc....

So please pray that I find my way back to the excitement everyone else is having there.

Prayers and Praise....And more Prayers?

Ok....Since the week ended I found out that I no longer need to worry. There was a possibility that I might have been pregnant. So of course, I wasn't prepared and I didn't think it was what I needed at this time.

On other news, I sang a song at church yesterday and it was one I'd been wanting to sing for a long time, but I wasn't sure if I could get the key right. I know, I know....It shouldn't matter as long as I am singing for the Lord. Which is very true, but if I'm not going to give it my best, then why am I doing it? I believe that God deserves our best. Yes, it is good when we are at least trying, but God gave us His best after all, so why can't we do the same in return? So, needless to say, I sang my best and despite almost crying a couple times and losing my breath at one point, I believe I gave it my best and the glory goes to God.PRAISE GOD!!!

So, back to the first topic....Baby? Well, when I found out I wasn't pregnant, I was disappointed. I'm thinking, "Wasn't this what I wanted?" And of course, Tanner knew about the possibility, so now we have baby on the brain and it doesn't help that everywhere we go we see newborns. lol So yeah, pray for us. We are thinking of trying, but I still want to be prepared. Our house will be even smaller with a new baby in it. I want there to be room and space for everything first.

Scared and Anxious

So yeah...What am I doing up at 1:37 AM you may ask. I'm not actually sure myself. Been worrying about a lot of stuff lately and one thing in particular. Wish I could divulge some info on the subject, but it's just too personal. Maybe when I know for sure what's going on.

It's just been a hectic life lately. The last thing I need is something else stirring the pot. I know I've been overly stressed, though I'm somewhat relieved now that the Summer is here. Been able to relax a little and find distractions in the activities that go along with all this hot weather.Which by the way, what is up with that? It's been pushing 100 degrees and hardly any rain. Just too damn hot if you ask me. But that's Florida for you. The humidity doesn't help either.

I just wish this week were over and I'd know if my worries are baseless or not. Just pray for me please. Pray that God's will is done in whatever happens. Thanks.

Can't We Just Let It Go?

Just remembered why I have basically become a hermit and stopped going out much. Tired of people misconstruing things that are said or done. I hate confrontation. It just hits me on an emotional level and I end up in tears. I have very few friends that I actually talk to and even fewer family members. If you can't handle something I say in a playful manner, then you don't need to be my friend or my family.

I have been dealing with some people and one in particular that just can't seem to let things go and see that I just want to be a friend. I actually used to have dreams and still do sometimes that me and this person would hang out and have fun. Just like the best of friends, but I am starting to grasp the concept that she will never look at me as a friend.

What makes it even worse, and that I think will clench the possibility of that never happening, is the fact that people are saying that I've said things that I know are not true and I would never say. It almost had me in tears at the thought. I just wish I could publicly go out and set the rumors straight. But it is doubtful that it would do any good and would most likely make a huge spotlight on me and my family.

Why can't everyone just get along, be friends, and let things stay in the past? I hate dwelling on stuff. It's the main reason I have let so much go. Things I still don't have answers for, or at least not tangible truths. But I'm not letting it get in the way of getting to know people or wanting to like them or be friends with them.

At A Stand Still

Okay....Feeling a bit frustrated. I am lacking inspiration to do much of anything at the moment. I really want to draw and write more poetry, but the pictures and words just aren't there. I need something. I just don't know what it is that I am lacking. I actually woke up really happy this morning, despite my feeling really tired. You would think that mood would bring forth something, but it didn't.

I've been back and forth through several different emotions over the past few weeks and ready for it to be over. I don't know what it is that is bothering me exactly.

I will be getting away for a few days next week and I am hoping that I will come back refreshed and renewed and have the drive to produce something. You would think that just being completely in-love with the sweetest, most caring man that makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world would somehow give me inspiration, but it hasn't.

I just feel like I am at a stand still in everything and waiting for someone else to make the next move. But I know it's not that easy. I have to do some things for myself.

Annoyed and Frustrated

I'm having a really bad day. I wish I could go back to how I felt yesterday. Yeah, it's hard for anyone to be continually happy all the time, but feeling the way I do now is not something everyone feels quite as constantly as I do.

I'm tired of feeling let down. Someone says they will be somewhere or do something and they rarely follow through. Yes, I can understand that distance is an issue, so you can't be right here with me and yes, I know things come up. But seriously....All the time.

And you say you aren't involved at a certain place anymore....Yet I still see you doing things there. What would be the big deal if you had me there too? I feel like you are hiding something from me. Or maybe it's that you are hiding me from someone else. I could be wrong, but that's just the way it seems. I hope it's nothing. Hope I am just being stupid and worried like I usually am.

I have a horrible time trusting people and I've put my trust in you, but lately things don't seem right. I don't know what to think or feel anymore. Here I am ready to break free and you aren't there to catch me it seems. I can't trust someone who may not be there to catch me when I fall.

Please reassure me.....

Down Days

I hate having days when I am feeling really down. I seem to have quite a few of them lately. Usually something triggers it. Whether it's something someone says or does....Or even something I say or do, I just can't seem to pull myself out of it, even if I recognize the trigger and realize how completely stupid I am for letting this bother me. Most likely this is due to my bipolar. I have been struggling with this also for a couple years now. I really should go see a doctor, but I realized that most likely they will want to put me on pills and I don't want that. I have heard some really bad things about the pills they can give people with bipolar and it's not for me.

Today was a bit rough. It was the smallest thing that a dear person to me said and I couldn't seem to brush it off. In that moment I thought, "What am I doing to him? He doesn't deserve this." But he is the one of the most awesome people I have ever met. Never met anyone like him before in my life. I had a thought this morning about him and just said aloud to myself, "He is beautiful." Obviously not meaning this in the physical sense, but his soul is truly beautiful. He has a wonderful and loving heart and I am a better person for having been able to meet him and spend time with him.

I need to remember that I have support around me when I am having a down day. Not everyone is that understanding, because they haven't been there and they know nothing of what it is I am going through. But just having one person is enough. I also need to remember that I can't expect others to understand and I should try to educate them in what it is I am dealing with every day. It's like that saying, "When you assume you are making an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'". I assume people will automatically understand and later they feel bad because they didn't know and I feel bad for not making them aware.So that being said I am going to try to start talking and being more open about the things I am dealing with in my mind.

My Quest

I've missed being able to express myself and have found some outlets as of late and have realized I am a much different person on the inside than what I have portrayed over the past 27 years of my life. I have found there are quite a lot of things that I like that I never thought I liked before because of how I was raised and the conditioning of that has made me into the person I thought I was this whole time. So, I have made it my quest to discover myself all over again. I'm tired of hiding too. I am always hiding this fact of who I really am from the people around me every day. It's very uncomfortable living like someone you're not all the time. Now not everything I share about myself has been a lie. I do love music, art, nature, etc. All these things are a part of me, but as far as what type of music, art, clothes.....I am actually a very eclectic person as it turns out and I love it. I would love to be able to change my style every day... Well, that might be pushing it, but every week even. It's fun and I love it. I would love to be a designer, photographer, biologist(which is my original chosen profession), teacher, poet, writer,... There are so many things I would love to do, but I can't possibly do them all, and it is getting late in life to be heading off to school with a backpack and a lunch box and worrying about the other kids and fitting in. Honestly, I don't care if I fit in.... I just want to be me for once and show people who I really am.